Hey there. You might be questioning yourself why someone would bother setting up a blog dedicated to fucking other blogs. Well, you’re asking yourself the right question. Why the fuck are we doing this? Oh yeah, I just remembered. We hate blogs. Anyway.
If anyone asks me, blogs are easy, uniform; they all look the same, feel the same, have the same shit on them, have the same people on them, anyone who can think for his own will easily notice some major flaws in the critical thinking trajectories that these self-proclaimed reviewers and critics (ha) push themselves into, etc. Something about this whole blogosphere bullshit that really gets to me as well is how people tend to use nice language and display their eloquence at the expense of writing honest reviews that the public can understand. Instead, you have an isolated bunch of elitist fucks who are apparently “discussing” grindcore as they would in a college frat club right before they’d go kissing their professor’s ass. Funny; I thought punk and hardcore was opposed to all that elitism. Oh yeah, but I forgot, grindcore isn’t punk at all. It’s metal. Or something. Only when it’s convenient enough to call it that way, though. Just take a look at this fucking video.
“Rob here with my favourite band from Singapore, Wormrot.” And probably the only band from Singapore at that too. If you’re stuck in this guy’s world. “How did you guys find metal?” Wow. I really don’t see how this would be relevant. I thought these guys played like a rip-off of Insect Warfare, Magrudergrind and a bunch of other US grind and fastcore bands, only with not-as-amazing-as-everyone-claims-it-to-be-musicianship. Now, not-as-amazing-as-everyone-claims-it-to-be-musicianship’s cool though. Except when there’s a big guy like Rob here getting these guys on faux-MTV, for no reason other than them being signed to Earache. Everyone’s acting up now, aren’t they? “Wow, grindcore”. “Let’s grind!”, “Grind on!”, “Fuck you, you Facebook generation fuckheads, where were you when Wormrot still had something out on TVG Records.” That last quote would be me thinking to myself. Anyway, everyone thinks Wormrot’s the shit. Listen to it. It’s half-assed. To say the least. And it’s unoriginal. Who the fuck cares for bands doing the same shit over and over again anyhow. Apparently the guy from Wormrot likes the fact there are a lot of chicks there too. Have some fucking respect, dude. I don’t know about you, but if you happen to have Arif of Wormrot in your Facebook friends list (and I’m sure you do), you might have seen a status update such as “I’m not a punk, I never was, and I never will be”. That’s cool dude but you’re in a band that plays a style that is unavoidably attached to DIY ethics, socio-political topics, and protest against things that are entwined in popular media and culture. Maybe you should play metal instead, then. I once read about another guy stating that “powerviolence is for grindcore fanboys who can’t play grindcore.” Well I don’t know who would be a dumb shit and say that in public, but think of Wormrot as the same way. “Grindcore is for metal fanboys who can’t play metal”. And don’t say they can. They really can’t.
Enough about Wormrot. I’ll save some of my ranting for another super cool blog post later. Let’s go back to the eloquence of blog reviewers and assholes alike. Let’s just take a little excerpt here off Grind and Punishment. I love this blog. It’s so full of shit all the time, it takes up my whole day trying to figure out 1) what the guy is talking about and 2) just how full of shit he is.
“That’s the frustration I have with what should be an awesome split EP between two great young bands.” – Sir Andrew Childers, Professor at Douchebag Internet University, from his tentative book “On the Arson Project/Noisear split and other records that I can write reviews about but don’t share a download link of so people can’t hear for themselves and have to do with my wordsmith skills muhahaha!”
Okay, first of all dude. They’re not two “great young bands”. Like, at all. Noisear’s been around for a pretty long time before they had an LP or split on Relapse and tracks on This Comp Kills Fascists 2. And I know all this not because I just googled the band. Unlike some. Unless you define young as being younger than ten years old, then I think I’m not sure, but they might even have been around for longer than that already.
“Pauses and pacing issues aside, this another tidy little chunk of vinyl that adds Relapse’s imprimatur to two up and comers.”
“More than introducing a new sub-sub-sub genre on “Rhino Grind/Frienemy,” the song is one of the band’s better amalgams of all their competing impulses perhaps ever.”
“This is the sound of platinum crickets armed with 21st Century recording technology.”
I honestly don’t know what he means by this.
You couldn’t have just said “this record is fast, sounds good, only has some troubles with the long pauses in between, and even displays that the bands in question aren’t unoriginal patch-work rip-offs.”, could you? Read the entire article here. http://grindandpunishment.blogspot.com/search/label/reviews
It’s actually one of the more normal reviews. Because you know, when you’re aspiring to construe the Delphic bearing behind such ardent (or should I say sententious?) elaborations, it might slip from your mind that you actually don’t have a fucking clue what you’re reading unless you take a thesaurus next to you. Look at how eloquent I am. Or dare I say magniloquent? Just because I can. Naughty me. All this stylish writing is for naught. Oh, see what I did there? I said “for naught”. I’m eloquent.
Well fuck you. Here’s another example. http://grindandpunishment.blogspot.com/2011/06/g-review-looking-for-answer.html
I don’t know about you, but reading this, I’d think Makoko didn’t play with them as early as 2008 or sooner, that this is Looking For An Answer’s best effort and Extincion was such too, which I highly disagree with. And you know why? Well, definitely not because it was “produced by the band, the album benefits from a superlative mix that hits that precarious balance between pristine and raw, allowing you to bask in every instrument individually without sacrificing the necessary adrenal jolt.” (seriously, guy, how many albums are recorded decently?), or because “Eterno Treblinka hooked me so hard I listened to it five times in a row the first day. The last album I could say that about was Abuse. Make of that what you will.” No, I’ll tell you why, and in one go give you a little review of my own. Because I think Eterno Treblinka is the extension of something Looking For An Answer has written and produced before. It’s the same shit, again. For the fifth time or so. The songs from the Kontrattaque split are the best. Notice how pompous that sounds? You don’t even express that you think about things that way, but instead talk about it as if it were fact. And to clarify my point that those songs were the best, which is hardly a point as it is clearly fact, I will share with you this. The songs from the Kontrattaque split are the best because they had the atmospheric aura of a Spanish gas station in the desert where vehicles growl like 21st Century recording platinum crickets in an amalgam of adrenal jolt and Abuse. “Make of that what you will”. Write as you talk in real life. You can suck it otherwise.
-Guymandude
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